Why?

I've lost weight before.....a couple of times anyway. I actually lost 70 lbs in 2004 and have kept it off with the exception of 10 lbs.

This time I want it to be different. I want to see the weight loss to the end. To do that, I truly believe I have to understand why.

Why did this happen to me? Why did I allow this to become a way of life? What is in my family of origin that has created such physical dysfunction in my life?

The last few weeks I've been reaching deep and twisting myself into a pretzel as I ponder the stuff that needs to be fixed.

In the meantime, I concentrate on getting enough water....I'm up to 80 oz a day. I also concentrate on moving more.....taking every opportunity I can find and making it a priority to exercise.

Have I lost anything? Not a clue, my bathroom flooded and my scale stopped working. I'll get another one, but for right now, it's not about the losing as much as it's about healing the little girl who grew to be this fat woman.

Exercising

I ran yesterday. First time since before I broke my back in 2006. Ok, it was about two blocks, but I ran people!

I then did forty minutes of weights in my complex gym.

Then, I died. Needed a nap and felt sick.

Today, I ate like a crazy woman including candy. Ug. There has got to be middle ground somewhere and I'm certainly open to suggestions.

Let's Begin

Well, I've turned myself inside out trying to figure out why I'm fat. I could blame genes and my mother for never teaching me good habits. Or....I could blame myself and get depressed.

Instead I think that I'll learn to be mindful. To focus on the moment and try to understand why I feel what I feel before I stick anything in my mouth.

I started Weight Watchers today. I actually started paying for it two months ago, but only went to one meeting and then I allowed all the stresses of life to bulldoze over me. Just an excuse I know.

Beginning again. Yes, indeed.

Oh Brother!

I've noticed that when I begin to focus on my health, I immediately start eating like I'm starving on a deserted island.

I truly believe that it triggers something in me. Something that is trying to protect me.

I. Hate. It.

I wear my fat like an insulated coat that keeps me safe.

Must ponder that.

Starting Again

I read this a couple of days ago.....

"You're never too old to begin again".

I like that saying....alot.

This was going to be the year that I really got my health under control. I spent most of February sick and now here it is...March already.

I now have a job and our lives are beginning to have a pattern. I realize that weight loss and good health needs to happen regardless of the pattern or not pattern of life. But for me, I need to have a pattern to develop good habits.

So here I am again. I haven't gained any "new weight", but I have lost any nor have I been working at it.

I'm excited. I want to make this happen. Here's to not being too old!

Oh, and welcome to the new blog look.

Jillian came home with me.

I went to K-mart tonight. As I was wandering toward the registers, there it was. Jillian Michaels and her 30 Day Sred. I've heard so many things about this exercise CD. Part of me is downright scared.

And there she has been sitting all evening...smirking at me. Almost as if she is saying...Be afraid, be very afraid.

Holidays Come and Gone

Well, I gained a pound over the holidays. I wasn't even trying to lose so I'm rather surprised the damage wasn't greater. I'm looking forward to getting back on track.